Setting boundaries

My recent yoga practices have revolved around a very consistent theme these past few weeks.

Boundaries. 

Boundaries mean different things to different people. Setting a line that you can't cross socially, such as telling someone you don't know at a tram stop that they need to floss, no matter how many visible cavities you can spot from two metres away. Knowing when to tell a friend to stop unloading all their personal problems onto you, because you soak their pain up like a sponge without any hope of squeezing it out later. Just learning to say no. 

There are many other boundary situations in life that you could probably think of, ones that are more relevant to you. My own boundary story is this... knowing when to stop. The truth is, I don't think I have an off switch. When I decide to do something, I'll be damned if I don't go through with it, and don't you dare stand in my way. If it's challenging, even better! 

All sounds good, until you start physically hurting yourself because you simply don't acknowledge your edge. Or when you start losing every semblance of having a life and forget to look after yourself due to work, relationship, and friendship commitments. I mean, really... when your dentist asks you if you're allright, and that you need to start looking after yourself just based on the condition of mouth splint (I cracked mine in 6 months), you may have a problem. 

We have this practice at work of stating weekly commitments, 1-3 per week so that they are achievable. The belief is that stating your commitments make you more accountable. While pondering how I can incorporate more of a focus on setting up these boundaries in my life, I came up with three commitments: 

• Not working past 7pm (unless I really, really have to...) 
• Taking at least an hour every day to dedicate to hobbies (not including yoga) 
• Yoga for at least 30 minutes everyday 

These are my weekly commitments for the month of April and probably May. 

Before ending this post, I would like to take some time to spread some love for Fightmaster Yoga. I've been following the 90 day program to re-establish my yoga practice at home, and it's truly amazing. Lesley's free program is better than most of the paid yoga classes in my area, and it brought back so much love for the practice that I had lost when I left SomaChi Yoga. Please subscribe to her Youtube videos, or donate to her very worthy cause of bringing yoga to everyone and anyone.

Till next time spiritual warriors. 

R U Ok?

It's RU Ok Day tomorrow. RU Ok Day was created to remind everyone to check in on the friends and family that they care about. Admit it, the best of us take their welfare for granted - when was the last time you asked someone if they were ok?

So, to celebrate RU OK Day, I thought I would share my story. Most people in my life know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety, but not many people know how it all began, and what it was like. I will also share some tips on how to notice and support someone with depression, and if you have depression, how you may try to beat it. You can scroll to the bottom of this post to see those if you want to skip the sentimental bits.


My Story 

I moved to Australia at the age of 18. I came and completed my Year 12 in Bendigo, and did very well academically. But socially, it was a pretty tough ride. You see, I had grown up in a small country town in Malaysia, where everyone in my first grade class ended up graduating in my Year 11 class. Ok, that may have been an exaggeration, but it wasn't far from the truth. I had the same group of friends from age 7 and a social life wasn't high priority in my family. We were discouraged from attending sleepovers, and just even from making social phone calls to friends after school. What was the point, our parents asked, when you see them again at school the next day? 

Back to Year 12... it was tough trying to start over, alone, especially in Year 12 when social cliques had already been established at school. For the most part of the year, I felt really isolated, but in time I made a small group of friends.

Then Year 12 ended. And I had to move again, this time to Melbourne.

The thing about Bendigonians is that they kind of stay in Bendigo. So, I had to start all over again. You'd think doing it the first time around would have set me up for the second, but it was harder. I was living in a residential college, so you would think it would have been easier socially. But it wasn't. I was really introverted, and suffered from low self-esteem. To make myself feel better, I got into a relationship and that was when the seeds of depression began to sprout.

It began with the contraceptive injection. As you probably know, chemical contraceptive tools may cause depression, and this caused a massive change in me. I became needy, I would cry all the time, and I became so paranoid that everyone was talking about me... about how much of a loser I was. So, I began to withdraw even more into my already closed life. My then boyfriend wasn't too understanding either... all he said when I told him how tough I was finding life... was to "get a hobby". Eventually, he got tired of my clinginess, and we broke up.

I think that breakup was what pushed me over the edge. My depression got really bad. I started to have suicidal thoughts, and to escape life, I would sleep. I slept on average, 18 hours every day, waking up only to eat, and to socialize just enough so that no one would know my little secret. I had stopped going to uni. If I woke up in the middle of my 18-hour sleep, I'd reach for my stash of alcohol that I kept by my bedside, to knock myself back to sleep again. During this time, I became a very different person. I craved attention, and did everything I can to get it. I tried as hard as I could to make life "meaningful" again, by seeking new relationships, but my efforts backfired and I plummeted myself deeper into the hole I had dug.

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This went on for an entire semester. The most amazing thing is... hardly anyone knew or picked up on the fact that I was absent from uni. One lecturer emailed me to find out what was wrong, and helped me pass her subject. I've never forgotten her, or what she did for me that year.

I don't even know what made me realize things had to change. At some stage, I realized I was failing uni, so I went to the doctor and got a prescription for antidepressants, and a special consideration form. Amazingly enough, I got through uni that year. The antidepressants did make me functional, but I was still as needy and as paranoid as ever, and my emotions were fragile.

One day, tired of having to take the antidepressants and how ill they made me feel, I decided to quit cold turkey, and had a bit of a meltdown. To calm myself, all I remembered was walking down Lygon Street, and stopping by a New Age store called Crystal Heart. I browsed the bookshelf for a while, and was drawn to a few books. Robin Norwood's Women Who Love Too Much, Iyanla Vanzant's Yesterday I Cried, and Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. Those books were a massive turning point for me, especially Louise Hay's bestseller.

Maybe the books really helped, or maybe the stars were right, but I came out of my depression shortly after, and was depression-free for about three years. It was during this time that I discovered my love for yoga, and began to soul-search, trying to find answers to the last few years that had seemed so hazy to me. Then, as a result of being in an abusive relationship and from contraceptive pills (I tried a few, including the controversial Yaz), I sunk back into depression again. I was lucky this time around to have a my sister living with me. It was also the first time I decided to see a clinical psychologist, and we worked out a mental health plan to help get me back on track. With the aid of antidepressants and regular yoga, I got my depression under control, and as result, became strong enough to end the abusive relationship I was in.

Just for the record, I'm currently depression-free, and haven't been on medication for a few years. I'm always monitoring my emotional wellbeing, and exercise very regularly for fear of a relapse, and also for good physical health of course! Over the last eight years, I lost many friends and relationships to depression, but also forged many more. In a strange way, I credit it to helping me grow as a person, and to be more in tune with myself than ever before.


How to notice a friend/family member with depression

1. Behavioural changes
This is a lot harder than it sounds. Someone who's depressed may not just be sad, they may also appear to be more "attention-seeking", or clingy. These changes often just get brushed aside, or go unnoticed. If you are a close friend and notice these things, it doesn't hurt to ask "Are you ok?"

2. They stop hanging out 
If your friend starts to avoid social situations, chances are that something's up. It never hurts to stop by to check in on someone.

3. They talk about death/suicide and have really low self-perception 
Always take suicide talks seriously. Often, these talks get brushed aside as "attention-seeking" behaviour. If you think about it, if someone is so "attention-seeking" that he/she needs to talk about suicide to get it, something isn't right.


How to support a friend/family member with depression 

1. Listen without judgement
Sometimes, all a person needs is to have an outlet. You don't even need to offer any advice, in fact depending on the seriousness, it's probably better if you don't, unless you have experience in counselling. Also, your advice could sometimes appear to sound as if you are trivializing your friend's troubles, even if you aren't. So, just lend your ears and a shoulder to cry on.

2. Tell someone 
If you aren't a person who can closely monitor your friend, then tell someone who can, particularly if they are high-risk.

3. Be patient 
Supporting a friend with depression is tough work. It requires so much patience. Often, you may feel your friendship is taken for granted, particularly if your friend becomes less social or communicative. Or, perhaps you are annoyed that your friend can't just take steps to get over it, such as seek medical help. Just remember that for someone who is depressed, life is overwhelming, and the simplest solutions are distorted to be giant gargantuan steps.

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You have depression. What can you do? 

1. Seek professional help 
I'm not saying this to be preachy. I'm saying this from personal experience. While it is possible to ride through mild-moderate cases of depression, it never hurts to seek professional help from your GP, or a counsellor. I found the most effective treatment to be a combination of a GP that you trust and like (who would prescribe the relevant meds), and a clinical psychologist. If you are at uni, you will probably have access to uni counsellors who are free of charge. If not, there might be community counsellors around your neighbourhood. Google is your friend.

2. Don't close yourself off 
As hard as it is, try to let friends into your circle. It'll may seem like a huge effort, but it is worth it. Know that you are not alone, depression is a very common affliction.

3. Self-help 
Not the best option if you have severe depression, because you probably won't even have the will to read. But if you can read, the self-help section of a book store is amazing. I harp on about Louise Hay all the time, but she really did help me to heal my life. So, check her out.

4. Read all about it 
Find out more about depression via online resources such as Beyond Blue. Beyond Blue now also offers a basic online counselling service. You could also try Lifeline, but I haven't had a good experience with them.

5. Exercise if you can
If you can exercise, do some outdoor walks, or yoga. My personal opinion is that anything outdoors or in a group situation is more effective, so aim to do some group yoga sessions. In any case, any exercise is better than none.

Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. The advice above comes from personal experience. Please seek proper medical help for your situation. 

How Running Changed My Yoga

It's no secret that yoga helps runners. Most runners know some basic asanas to help them warm up and cool down, and yoga is one of the best activities to complement running.

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Since running though, I've also realized that my yoga practice has begun evolving. I don't really think of it as for better or for worse, because a yoga practice is just that. A practice. There are no "good" or "bad" practices, each practice is unique in its own right. But my yoga practice is so different now to what it was two years ago.


For starters, I'm no longer as flexible as I used to be. Running does that to you apparently. I used to see runners in my yoga class struggle with forward bends and have no empathy. Well, empathy I have now, and lots of it! However, being less flexible means that I'm no longer pushing myself in the asanas. I'm letting myself just be, I deepen into poses and I'm in each and every moment.

This shift to more self-awareness and mindfulness is a big step in my yoga practice. I have a lot of trouble with self-regulating, and with holding back. I use running to expend all that energy, and I use yoga to centre it all back.

I bring yoga into my running as well. Both are melding into each other in a way. When I run, I practice pranayama, and when I'm in the zone, I'm almost in a meditative-like state. I can't imagine one without the other, so I'm glad I have both.

Because running is such a high intensity activity, my yoga is all about gazing inwards. I focus on nurturing poses like child's pose, forward bends, supine twists... I hardly ever do backbends anymore and when I do, they are gentle.

What is most important is that I feel that I am now truly practising yoga and not just an aspect of it, which is what I've wanted all these years. Strangely enough, gone are my aspirations of becoming a yoga teacher. My practice has become something intimate and dear to me that it's so personal. Sharing it with others just doesn't feel right.

I look forward to reflecting on my practice again next year to see how it has further evolved. Chances are, it's not going to be the same, but I'm also ok with that.

Internet Detox: The Conclusion

Warning: Long rambly post below. 

A while ago, I commenced an Internet Detox. And not long after that, after a short stint at success, I realized to my dismay that my attempts had not only backfired, but I had completely lost my fitness routines and my yoga practice.

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Two lovely readers and fellow yoginis suggested that maybe I was approaching it the wrong way. My problem has always been that I see the world very much in black and white. I believed for a time that to be a complete yogi, I needed to denounce or at least, limit social media. The wonderful and wise Anne of Yogaspeak's words of wisdom, that there are "no absolutes" gave me a new perspective on my life.

Mind you, those are probably not new words. Sometimes though, you lose your way and you need someone to drop these guiding words to steer you back to your path.

I began to reflect a lot on this in my yoga practice and beyond, and the more I delved deep into myself and why I was spending so much time on the internet, the more I realized it was because most of my interests are technology-bound. I enjoy reading blogs and blogging, following my favourite yogis from across the globe, and there is of course the gaming. I do spend time on social media, not because I have severed connections with real-life friends in place of online ones but so I can bridge connections with people I really have no other way of connecting with in real life.

Yes, I did spend a lot of time on the internet, and still do. But I maintain a healthy social life, I eat well (for the most part), and I have an active lifestyle.

That was when I realized that my problem wasn't with my so-called internet addiction. My problem was with the preconceived notion of what a healthy and a yogic lifestyle should be. I began working on acceptance, and slowly worked back some yoga into my life. Running trailed behind and I'm pleased to say that I'm back on track with where I was fitness-wise. Phew!

Going on the internet detox didn't quite yield the results I wanted. I have no idea what I truly wanted, but I have an inkling that it was to be as enlightened as the Dalai Lama.

We both wear glasses and I sort of like orange... 

But I'm pleased with what I did come away with. I now know more about myself than I did before, and I am more in tune with my needs. I am learning to be less judgmental about myself, a lesson slow to learn but one that everyone should master.

So there you have it, my long ramble has come to its conclusion. If you  do want to go on an internet detox, I would suggest that you try it out to see how it feels to be away from such a vital piece of technology. You may even reach a different conclusion and find that your life is way better without it. Every man (and woman) travels a different road after all!

Have you done an internet detox? Will you go on one? 

Where's the love?

Confession time.

I've been getting my bitch on . Frequently, in the last few weeks- a bit hypocritical of me, to say the least, particularly when I openly wage war on bitches.

What would I categorize as bitching? Because I'm too lazy to find my own words to define this, I'll let Freedictionary do it for me.

bitch  (bch)

n.

2. Offensive

a. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.

3. Slang A complaint.

v. bitched, bitch·ing, bitch·es Slang

                                       Source: Freedictionary

So, that's what I've been partaking in over the last few weeks. The truth is, it always begins innocuously, with no malicious intent. I just love gossip, even if it's regarding people that I don't know or barely know. Sometimes, these "gossips" are harmless, and sometimes, they can be mean and spiteful, but before my brain even realizes what they are, the words have already escaped my lips.

Then bam, I've just bitched about how naive a friend is, or how lazy someone else is...

Not my finest moments.

Interestingly enough, the frequency of my bitching seemed to have increased at a time when my yoga practice had been neglected. Now that I've resumed a semblance of a practice, I seem to have come to a halting epiphany that over the last few weeks, I have been nothing but a massive... well... bitch. There really isn't another word for it, so pardon the repetition.

I think it's because my practice helps me to unwind and destress... when it is absent, I find alternative avenues, like bitching to others because it just helps me blow off some steam, despite the total disregard for the other person's feeling or the awkwardness that the listener might be experiencing. Not everyone likes to partake in a bitching session, and I am not particularly discerning.

My practice also makes me self-reflect. And my recent self-reflection has told me that I haven't been very nice. I think I may also bitch because having someone nod to all my rants just gives my self-esteem a little bit of a lift and helps me feel like I belong. Who cares that it's a little bitchy community that I belong to, as long as I fit in, right?

Here's hoping that realization is the first step to recovery. I realize that to stop minimize bitching will require more than just to announce it to the world, but I'm pretty hopeful that I've made a good start. I know that I have some inner demons to work with (selfishness maybe?) so it's not going to be cruisy!

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What are your experiences with bitches/bitching?

The other side of your childhood favourites

I had a pretty typical childhood for a child of the 90s. I watched my share of Disney and more, and had the staple collection of Barbie dolls (sure, I didn't use them the conventional way... unless throwing them around the room at the ceiling fan was the conventional way...). Lately, there have been a few images making the usual social media rounds like this.

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Excuse me, I watched a ton of Disney, and I think I turned out just fine. Ok, not entirely fine :P but no better or worse than any other regular Josephine who hadn't watched Disney. I'm going to be honest, I never once thought to define any man that I'm with now with any Disney prince. 

Disney gave me so much more than just entertainment. Disney spurred on my musical interest, my love of art, and made my childhood dreams real (Who didn't want to meet a talking meerkat? Be honest :P). Disney taught me to not worry way before Bobby McFerrin ever did, to whistle while I work, and that bookworms are cool. 

I have noticed that children nowadays don't really watch Disney much anymore, and that makes me slightly sad. My favourite songs from my childhood days were Disney songs, and I could recite lines from favourite Disney movies from start to end, almost the same way as I do with Les Miserables now. A skill I picked up from watching Disney, no less :P So if you are ever looking for a career as a thespian...

Most of those "lessons" above are way beyond a child's imagination anyway... Political worth? What child even understands what that means? I see those images as adults reading way too much into a children's movie, and giving it adult values, that might potentially affect an adult watching Disney, just as I am reading too much into a silly little graphic meant for comedy. That said, if you were fully grown, and felt that you could be dead and still get some princely action as long as you were pretty, you may have some other kinds of issues that you may need to deal with more urgently. 

The person who did the Disney Princes' image obviously didn't watch the movies anyway, because the whole point of Aladdin was to show that lying didn't work. Pft, he obviously needed to watch more Disney :P 

Another image that caught my eye today... 

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I don't really like Barbie very much, I don't agree for what Barbie stands for and I didn't like Barbie at all as a child. I could never work out what to do with her... This artist's impression of Barbie without makeup though definitely made me pause and reflect. He chose to portray her with braces and wrinkles... I do think that this is beyond just Barbie without makeup, this is Barbie before cosmetic surgery, unless Barbie's got access to some miraculous wonder wrinkle-filler that all of us need to get our hands on! 

What do you think about these images? Did you grow up with Disney and Barbies? 

The Internet Detox: Update 1

You may have read that I attempted to take a break from the internet.

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The synopsis of that story: My computer breaks, gets sent for repair, and I decided hey, why not use this time to cut down on my online time? Then, I got my computer back, and that was when things started to get pretty hurdly! The first couple of weeks went well, I kept my computer off most of the time, and I went for runs, read, did some yoga, only browsed Facebook and reddit occasionally. 

It was going so well. 

And then, I have no idea how it happened... but what with researching uni courses, and then uni applications... and gaming... somehow, the computer just crept back into my life and ousted out my yoga and running. That has not happened since the end of uni, 3 years ago. I'd never stopped doing yoga before... it feels weird, even now, especially since I haven't gotten back into it. I have to admit, shamefully, that my computer dependence is now much greater than before. I've been introduced to DotA 2, I've discovered this terrible yet addictive online game called Wartune, and I recently discovered Duolingo which is a fantastic and free language learning site. It's also the only product I will link to because it is, at least, educational so getting addicted to it isn't so bad. :P

I suppose I realized I had hit a low when I purchased a jar of ready-made curry simmer sauce. I know, it's a really bizarre thing to trigger an epiphany, but I haven't eaten any processed foods in a very long while. I make all my own curries, soups, stews, etc when I'm not eating out. Why did I buy that jar of sauce? So I could have more computer time, why else! 

I can't believe this jar showed me just how far I had fallen.
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The disappearance of my yoga practice and fitness regime has changed a lot in my life. For starters, I have a lot of free time that I just don't know what to do with, which then gets spent on the computer (terrible neverending cycle that one...). I have lost weight... about 5kg. I am much weaker physically. My shoulders ache all the time, and I get constant headaches that simply won't go away. I wake up every morning vowing to do some yoga, but what I think will be ten minutes on Duolingo ends up being a few hours. 

I just have to ask myself... what happened? What went wrong? I've always been so disciplined in my fitness routines. How did I lose the plot when my intentions were all in the right place? 

I wanted my internet detox to be along the lines of Susan Maushart's The Winter of Our Disconnect. Instead, I seem to be on a road to Netaholics Anonymous. 

I'm not even sure what my next step is. Besides the obvious of trying to get my yoga and running back on again. I'm not even sure I know what I wanted to achieve with my internet detox... I think my original goal was just to cut down on dawdle time on the internet. 

So, there you have it. I wanted a hiatus but instead got a face full of internet. I've never really failed in anything before, this is a first. What a downer of a post, I guess it's possibly from the lack of yoga :P Hopefully, the next time I update, there will be better news. 

To tie the knot or not?

Just give me a second to get over my self-satisfaction of coming up with a title that featured two words that sound phonetically identical but are spelt differently.

I think that second went when I typed that elaborately long sentence!

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Back on topic. I just read an article on Marie Claire that said 55% of Australians do not want to get married.  The article questions if marriage is still relevant (in fact that is the title of the article, fancy that!). This is a topic close to my own heart because I recently had the following conversation with a family member (no points for guessing which family member it probably is).

Mystery Family Member: So, has The BF indicated his intentions to you?
Me: Whatever on earth do you mean?
MFM: Well, his plans for the future... settling down...
Me: I don't know, we've joked about it sometimes but that's about it...
MFM: How long have you guys been together?
Me: Two years and a bit... why?
MFM: You know, I read somewhere (dramatic pause)... that if the man hasn't proposed after one year, he will probably not propose ever... 

I was half tempted to send that article link to her when I read it, because I always get slightly miffed when someone just assumes that your life's greatest goal is to get hitched. Anyway, personal predicaments aside, I just thought this would be an interesting can of worms to open.

Couples are getting married much later into courtship. Some after 5 years, others 10 years even. Some couples, potentially most couples, may never ever meet a celebrant. The marriage scene has changed quite a bit though... culturally with increasing divorce rates marring the sanctity of marriage (only 33% in Australia in 2002 according to the ABS, but still pretty high), society tending towards more liberated religious views, and the fact that legally, you could have the same rights as a married couple just by living together for 6 months.

So, where is the incentive to get married then?

I'm not an Insitution of Marriage basher... I would like to get married. Some day. Definitely not right now when I'm trying to get my finances in check, and not just after 2 years. And call me crazy, but I still feel like I'm too young. I feel like I'm too young to start a family. Maybe in the next 5 years or so, but definitely not now. And aside from the encounter with MFM, I really haven't felt any pressure. Sure, some Facebook photos and updates have popped up about white dresses and little bubs, but for the most part, most of my friends remain unmarried.

What do you think? If you're happily married (and have been so for awhile), would you do it again?
This question just brings to mind a conversation my high school teacher had with her daughter while we were out for coffee. She said that if she could do it all over again, she would never get married. Anddd conversation at the table immediately got slightly awkward for the poor student at the table...

If you're single/in a domestic partnership, do you want to get married? Or is marriage something you're writing off the cards?

/edit Just read this post by Whitney, and it echoes everything I want to say.

Hiatus

Last week, my computer got sent for some repairs so I was computerless, and in a way, internetless for a week. I could access the internet from my phone but it was so much hassle I preferred not to.

Shall I just call that brief period a moment of self-discovery?

I've mentioned a few times that I have an internet addiction. You may have thought it was a joke, but I truly do have an internet addiction, I spend almost all my waking hours on the internet, doing God only knows what. I took that time off from the computer to be my time off the internet.

That was when I had an epiphany.

I've always complained about how hard it is to head offline. But really, it's as hard as hitting the off button on my computer.

So, for an indefinite amount of time, that's what I'll be doing. Pulling the plug.

I'm not going to quit cold turkey, or take myself offline from the world forever... I'm not some kind of crazy extremist :P I do like to keep in contact with friends and I still love to reddit. It's really the only thing that's stopping me from becoming a full-blown hermit.

As a result, this blog will be unattended for awhile... while I pick up more offline hobbies, and attend to them a little more. I have some HP Lovecraft that needs attention, and I'm only up to book 3 of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series and I would like to finish that in my lifetime. The series, I mean.

So, there. I guess this is goodbye for now.

Have a break, and a Kit Kat if you so wish

Right this minute, I should be lounging on a beach in Koh Samui. That's right, I even had the foresight to write this scheduled post so I could brag about it /cue evil laughter.

Jelly yet?
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It's been awhile since I've had a restful holiday. It's not that I don't take any leave, it's just that, being the Type-A girl that I am, I always need to be doing something during my holidays. The last holiday I had was a snowboarding holiday. It was great, but I didn't feel rejuvenated at all.

Apparently, Australians have a collective 70 million annual leave days stockpiled. This may make you out to sound like a better worker, but research has shown that not having a break actually decreases productivity.

Even if it's just a weekend away to the Peninsula Hot Springs, or a week retreat in Gwinganna  (this is my ultimate holiday...), give yourself that you time to rejuvenate, and the sweetness of doing nothing. Can you tell that Eat, Pray, Love has rubbed off on me? No idea what I'm talking about? Read all about the art of nothing here.

So, when was your last holiday? Any good holiday suggestions?

Getting some weight off my shoulders

When I was a not so little girl, I grew up thinking that I was fat. For most of my high school years, I was 160cm, and 53kg. That's a BMI of 20.7 people (nowadays, even BMIs are not an accurate depiction of health). Back in primary school though, we had to go for physicals every year, and on the back of our physical examination book was a little chart which told you what ideal weight you should be at. An adult female of 160cm should weigh 46kg, a number which has stuck in my mind for many, many years.

It's hard being the fatter kid in Asia. Shopping for clothes was never flattering... I always had to shop for Large and Extra Large sizes. At most boutiques, they would only ever have one or two sizes for clothing, and most would not fit me. This was in the 90s - I do believe, and hope, that times are different now.

Moving to Australia was probably one of the best things to happen for my self esteem. For one, I was a size 6, before vanity sizing was even around! I was also away from some people who would constantly remind me of how "large" I was. In college, when my depression hit hard, one of my few joys was that my weight had plummeted to 48kg, only 2kg from my ideal weight!

It's scary, but true. I was a product of a weight-obsessed society. It's the same society that led to this girl losing 8kg to become 38kg, because at 46kg, she too, felt like the fatter girl in Asia. (See, it's not just me!)

A few things have changed for me this year. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just too old to care about body image issues, or if I really am older, but wiser, or if it came about from reading Nia Shanks' post. I began building up my fitness this year, initially wanting to lose weight. I mean, I was 50kg... that's 4kg overweight in my mind! At the start, I did lose some weight, but then the weight piling began, and the kilos weren't coming off. The last time I weighed myself, I was 54kg.

But you know what? I really don't care. I have never felt stronger, faster, fitter, and I like the muscle definition that I have going. I may be heavier, but I am leaner. I can do amazing physical things, and most importantly, I feel great.

Want to know why you shouldn't just weigh yourself?

Read the whole article on Tribesports

That's right. The TL;DR of that article is that weight is just a number, it can't tell you how awesome you are.

Clothes size-wise... I'm now a size 8, because my shoulders and chest are too built to squeeze into a size 6.
And guess what? I'm actually pretty proud of that.

The year that's been and the year that will be

I can't believe it's so close to the end of 2012! It only seemed a few months ago that 2012 had begun. 

Random fact: As you age, the days fly by a lot faster because your memory compresses all the mundane activities that you do (eg. going to work, eating etc) so time seems to have flown by when you look back. So, if you want time to slow down, start doing some X-treme activities! :P 

I've felt that 2012 has been (mostly!) a good year for me. This year, I 

• ran my first 5km (and busted my knee and foot doing it... but oh well!) 
• returned to my yoga practice, and successfully can execute my headstands and crows again. I think I'm at the level I was at when I stopped because of injury. 
• stopped using foundation, which has done tremendously wonderful things for my skin. 
• home-make about 80-85% of my meals 
• started this blog! 
• had a financially sound year. I have money in my piggy bank, woohoo! 

Here are my 2013 resolutions. 

I will stop making injuries worse! 

I just can't help myself. I keep wanting to exercise through injury. It's like I see it as the Universe presenting me with a physical challenge, and I always rise at a challenge. I've had so many joint injuries (and they are never any fun)... what I've learnt since is that the Universe is presenting a challenge. The challenge is to take it easy, and back off for awhile. That's definitely something I'm not good at! 

I will cut down on sweets. 

Hard to keep, but I know they're not good for me. It's hard being a teacher, because all students give you are chocolates! 

I will majorly cut down on my online time. 

Ideally, this should be about 1-2 hours a day. No more. 1-2 hours a day sounds like a lot of time. But in comparison to what I'm spending now, it really is a mere nothing. I read The Winter of our Disconnect not too long ago and it really inspired me, I was all ready to pull the plug and everything. Then, practicalitiy sank in and I realized that I would go absolutely bonkers. I reckon it's as hard as quitting smoking... 

I will not intentionally go over the speed limit when driving. 

I'm one of those people who just have to drive at 5km/h above the limit. No really, I even keep my eye on the gauge to make sure it's exactly 5km/h, talk about OCD! I think this has a lot to do with my personality type, of trying to rush through life... so I'm literally putting the brakes on! 

I will cut down on alcohol. 

I've been quite good this second half of 2012. I'm not sure if that's been because there have been little opportunities to drink anyway! In the New Year though, I'm going to monitor how much I drink when I'm out. 

I will be more charitable. 

I haven't decided how I will do this yet. Maybe some volunteering, although I'm not sure if I have the time! But isn't that what everyone says? I already have charities that I regularly donate to... but I feel like I should be doing more than just giving money. 

I will be kinder to everyone.

Apparently, this year, there have been moments where I have been overly aggressive to certain people. Unintentionally and unawares. I would like to have the compassion and strength to give everyone in life the respect that they deserve. 

Those are my 2013 resolutions! Do any of those echo with you? What are your hopes and dreams for 2013 and how do you think your year has been so far? 

To all my readers, have a wonderful holiday, whichever wonderful occasion you are celebrating and a Happy New Year. 

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Keeping a mindful practice

Today was the first day in a long time that I was present in my yoga practice. It's ironic, because I'm doing more yoga now since the wrist injury, but I've never felt more disconnected from my practice. Stranger still is how oblivious I was to how disconnected I have been, until I read Erica Rodefer (the Spoiled Yogi)'s blog on what's really yoga (click to see her post on the Yoga Police). The summary of that post is that we shouldn't judge the "yoga" that someone practices, as long as it holds the meaning of yoga to them.

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The word "yoga" means to unite. It's the unity of the mental, physical and the spiritual realm. By delving into asanas without being present in the moment, I'm not uniting anything. Yet, all this while, I have been too distracted to even notice.

For some time this year, I think I lost my way with yoga a little. A little too much fixation on the asanas for sure, none of the other limbs of Yoga.

When I read Neil Pollack's post on public displays of yoga, it dawned upon me that I was indulging in a period of narcissism. These past few months, especially with my time and involvement on the Tribesports website, have been driven by vanity. Yoga isn't about that at all.

Today was the first day in many where I felt I could connect with myself again, like I could lay in savasana for eternity. I'm making this promise to myself to never take my practice for granted.

Moving onto a better you

I used to be, and occasionally still am, a person who holds onto the past and lets it define me. When I was 14, I entered a national piano competition, experienced stage fright for the first time in my life, and then decided that I hated public performances and never performed publicly on a piano ever since. Funny thing that, considering I performed on violin numerous times after. I even performed at the Hamer Hall.

I also had a friend that I held dear as a sister. When we were younger, we envisioned that we would do many things together, but when we hit our twenties, some issues arose in our friendship, and it fell apart. For the longest time, I held a lot of hate and resentment towards her, and myself. All this happened when I wasn't mentally well either, so I did not deal with it in a healthy way.

What happens when you no longer see eye to eye?
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Louise Hay points out very wisely in her bestseller, "You Can Heal Your Life" that the past doesn't care if it hurts you. Often, the people in the past aren't even aware of the pain they have caused. I think she's definitely hit the nail on the head... I think I am more responsible than my past is, at prolonging this pain.

It has been an ongoing process, but I used Louise's exercises to help deal with this and to let go.

Exercise: Dissolving Resentment 
One of her exercises involved visualizing the person who has caused you pain, and to think about all these amazing things happening to them, and to see them happy. And then to let that image fade, and to see you having all these amazing things happen, and that you leave, smiling and happy.

I did this. I imagined that she had all these amazing things happen in her life. I do sincerely want to wish her well. I took dissolving this resentment beyond these exercises, into my meditation and yoga practice. I am yet to reach that stage where I can visualize good things happening to me. I think I'm just too scared and/or believe that I'm undeserving of such things... but we all have hidden demons to work on.

Exercise: Forgiveness
I also worked on forgiving her and myself. This involved repeating a visualization of forgiving her and hearing her response, and then forgiving myself.

We all have chains that bind us. We have a choice of whether we would like to severe or keep these chains. There was a time when I would actively seek to maintain a bind or a grudge, but life is so much easier when we just choose to let go and focus on the present and what really matters.

For more activities like these and words of wisdom, you can check out Louise Hay's website here. I also strongly recommend subscribing to Abraham-Hicks daily quotes for inspiration.

I am also giving away Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life. This giveaway closes next week, so don't miss out! 

5 years ago I...

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... thought I would be working as a Secondary School classroom music teacher a la Glee. Little did I know how glad I would be not to go down that path.

... only bought luxe beauty products. And high street designer clothes. Now, I love my Priceline steals and I shop at Jayjays.

... was depressed and suicidal. I never thought I'd ever be normal again, but I am.

... ate KFC and Maccas a few times a week. Now, I make breakfast, lunch and dinner.

... had only one interest - music. Now, I have so many hobbies and interests and dreams, it's so hard to keep up.

... was filled with hate. I think the years have mellowed me out.

... loved the Backstreet Boys. Now, I *secretly* love the Backstreet Boys. Shh..

... learnt how to date all the wrong guys. That only made me appreciate the right guy when he came along.

... hadn't yet discovered the joy of yoga.

... never thought I would be a semi-vegetarian slightly New Age hippie...


I think if 5-years-ago me had met today me, we would not be friends. I don't even think we'll like each other. :P

How has your life changed in 5 years?

Don't forget to enter my Giveaway

Weight lifting... a man sport?

I can easily recall my first ever session with a Personal Trainer. It was my first year of uni, I was ready to make a new start, and was just about to realize my New Year's resolution by getting my first ever gym membership. That question though, still hung in the air.

"Are you really sure you don't want any weights in your fitness program?" his eyebrow raised in slight disbelief.

Let's see. I grew up in a Malaysian semi-rural town, where an adult female could easily (and quite normally) weigh below 40kg. I was raised in a family where Mum would tell me not to do pushups because it would "make my shoulders too broad". I grew up through the 90s, when waif-life Kate Moss was the pin-up girl for beauty everywhere, when it was the age of the supermodels, all delicate, reed-like, gentle ladies. I studied in an all-girls school, where being too physically strong gave you the lesbian label.

So, was I sure then? Hell yeah. 

Nearly eight years down the track, I still haven't really incorporated weight lifting/strength training into my routine. While I no longer aspire to be Kate Moss, I still had my reservations until I read Nia Shanks' enlightening blog post on Tribesports about women and strength training. And it really hit home... I've never really done it because I was simply too afraid that one day I would look like a man.

Like this. Only... some people wouldn't call Johnny Bravo a man... 

Maybe it was the circumstances of my upbringing. But, believe it or not, it wasn't too long ago that I said that Katee Sackhoff looked like a man (calm yourselves, BSG Starbuck groupies)... very recently though, I've come to the realization that there is no way in hell Katee looks remotely manly, in fact, if she looked like a man, I'd be more than happy to look like a man too.

If Katee Sackhoff looked like a man, she would be a very attractive, feminine man. 

What does looking like a man mean anyway? Broad shoulders, toned, built arms? These are all gender archetypes that we've assigned and given meaning to. Just like sports. There are "male" activities, and then there are "female" activities. Quick activity: Assign a gender to the following sports: Skateboarding, snowboarding, yoga, weight-lifting, football, skiing, figure skating, gymnastics. See my point?

There's hope yet though. Think about it, there was once a time when women didn't do pushups, unless of course you were Nancy Wake (the badass Australian female spy). Sooner or later, there will be more women lifting weights as well. Times are changing, after all.

Interested in testing the waters? Nia has created a strength building guide  to help with strength training.

Click here for the full guide

And, in case you were wondering if lifting heavy weights does make you look like Johnny Bravo, why not read Nia's blog post to see for yourself?

Me? I'm taking baby steps... starting with those pushups (sorry Mum!).

The Foundation Anonymous Report

In July, which is 4 months ago now (hooray math skills!), I decided to stop using foundation, after being a 9-year junkie.

Here is a recent photo of me now, still with no foundation - I'm only wearing some minimal eye makeup, and a tinted lip balm.

Yes you can even click on it for a larger image, because I know you want a close-up of my pores

Having my 4-month chip has taught me a lot of things.

1. My foundation was actually a few shades too light for my skin tone 
On the few occasions I decided to wear foundation (eg. to parties etc), I realized that I looked like I had a kabuki mask on. NOT a good look. It's weird how I never noticed this before.. I guess living in foundation, I  must have thought the kabuki mask was how my face naturally looked.

2. The difference between hormonal and environment caused pimples 
I can spot them now! I only get hormonal pimples now, and I know when I will get them. Recently, I trialled a few new beauty products and got different looking breakouts... they were more clustered, and were smaller.

3. All those little bumps on my skin were foundation caused 
I used to have tiny little bumps on my skin. They were not obvious, and always seemed to be there, so I just thought my skin was rough. They are now gone!

4. My face goes red when I drink alcohol 
This never used to happen. I guess the foundation masked it somewhat.

5. My face flushes/blushes easily 
When it's hot, my face goes bright pink. Also never used to happen.

6. I'm noticing more signs of aging now 
I guess I just never cared about signs of aging because I'd just slap some foundation on. I'm now noticing a difference in my skin texture... it's bugging me a little, but hey, we all have to grow old right?

7. I'm taking better care of my skin 
No foundation means the skin you wear is well... the skin you wear.

8. It was a huge self-journey
Part of the reason why I wore foundation everyday was self-esteem issues. Having to not wear it meant combatting these issues, and now, I'm quite comfortable going barefaced.


/end report

If you've already tried going foundation-free, I would love to read about your experience. And if not, would you?

What is a powerful woman?

I read something interesting in the Elephant Journal the other day. To put it simply, it is one woman's opinion on Fortune magazine's 50 Most Powerful Women.

The article begins with her observation (or rather, criticism) of a woman

"in a tight, yet not shapely, black dress, with a clenched fist glued to her hip. Her smile (if you can call it that) is pencil-thin, neither showing teeth, nor curving upward to avoid creasing her perfectly emotionless face. Finally, the shot was craftily taken at such an angle so as to drastically diminish any semblance of feminine curves."

Out of curiosity, I Google image-searched the Fortune magazine cover in question.

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I don't know. I think she looks pretty feminine, in fact she looks quite beautfiul. I also think she looks pretty shapely... I had more of an image of Julia Gillard when I read that description, but even I wouldn't call Julia Gillard unfeminine just because she wears a power suit.

The author then quite melodramatically writes that

"If the most powerful women in our country are heading up these companies, we are beyond fucked! At the risk of sounding accusatory, these are the companies that are killing people and killing the planet. This is the direct opposite of what women’s bodies are quite literally created to do.Last I checked, there are no organs of mass destruction between my legs."

All because these women headed up large companies like IBM, HP, Krafts...

Forgive me if I'm ignorant, but I didn't realize that companies like IBM, HP and Krafts were killing people... I'm also unsure as to what to make of the statement about "organs of mass destruction"... isn't that a rather sexist thing to say?

She says that women are healers, mothers and survivors. I suppose that for the most part is true, but how does she know what impact the 50 women in the article have had in their respective companies? Perhaps they've changed their companies to be greener, or to increase their charity contributions. Can we just assume that because they work for a big company that they must be "killing the planet"?

I'm just tired of women who complain about other women who are successful. Women who quite obviously envy other successful women who then decide to say that the path that they've chosen for themselves is "holier than thou" in order to justify a missing part of their lives.

Prime example in case (pardon the pun), Julia Gillard, who has been attacked countless of times by women (and men!) for her physical appearance. I used to believe in a sisterhood... now, all I see is a real-life rehash of Mean Girls.

"She wears a suit and earns millions... ohoho she must be a terrible person" 

Please ladies... we complain about men being unfair to us, and yet all we do is be unfair to ourselves and we can't even celebrate with members of our own gender who have succeeded to go where we couldn't.

/rant

Patience and Compassion

In a world where we rush to complete and achieve everything, I found clarity in this well-written and thought provoking article in the Yoga Journal. 

As a "Rushing Woman", I'm always in a hurry. Having always been blessed with the ability to learn things quickly, it grates on me if I find it harder than normal to pick up a particular skill (painting my nails for example...). I'm always too impatient, and I lack compassion for myself.

I am a product of this world, where I want results instantaneously, or I become bored or demotivated.

Definitely something for me to bear in mind in the future.

Would you put a price on happiness?

I attended a Transcendental Meditation (TM) introductory session today. Believe me when I say, I went with an open heart and an open mind. A friend and colleague had recommended this to me, and I really hoped this would do for me what it had done for her.

The place was hard to get to, so it may have put me in a bit of a mood. 1 hour driving one way, in heavy traffic. When I arrived, I just didn't know where to go, the centre was a primary school. I was slightly disorientated from the journey, and I was late, so I was worried I'd have missed my opportunity.

20 minutes later and two phone calls, I'm comfortably seated in a meeting room, and watching two DVDs introducing TM. Neither talked much about the meditation technique itself, only how it was better than other meditation techniques and medications. In fact, the first video was nothing but bar graphs and charts, but with no references attached (which immediately triggered my skeptic's brain). After the second one, we spoke about the cost and the time requirement.

It costs $1500 to learn how to meditate.

Now, I am all for paying for courses. I readily paid about the same amount for my yoga annual pass after going for about a year. Apparently, this $1500 is a lifelong once only fee. So, technically it's not so bad. 

But, coupled with the non-referenced bar graphs and pie charts and putting down other meditation techniques, something's not feeling quite right here. The other nagging feeling is how secretive they are about what exactly TM is. It would make sense in an intro session to actually get a taster... apparently, everyone gets their own unique mantra after the first paid session, of which they are not to tell another person. But I don't see why not? Why not make the intro session a personal interview, followed by giving them the mantra, and then maybe 10 minutes of how to use it... if they like it, they will come back. And perhaps, be willing to part with $1500. 

The truth is, when I left, I was ready to part with $1500. I just wanted a way of fixing my life, and the promises they made... it sounded too good to be true (red flag!). Luckily, the drive back through traffic took a whole hour, and I could contemplate. 

Believe me when I say I'm all about complementary therapies. This whole blog is dedicated to complementary and alternative therapies. However, I'm also a skeptic. I know how yoga helps me to deal with stress, just like I am aware of how different herbal supplements are meant to change your body chemistry. But placing my eggs in a basket, a basket I'm not sure anything of... that I'm not willing to do. A short Google search made me feel more at ease about my decision. I'm sure I'll find something similar, and definitely cheaper, that works. 

Would you pay $1500 for a promise of a better you?